Death by Committee

—Who is going to be spokesperson to-day?
—I nominate this one.
—Any other nominations?
—I nominate you.
—Thank you.  Show of hands.  All for this one?  And then for me?  Congratulations.
—Thanks.  Any one have some thing they’d like to call attention to?
—Why are we sitting?
—Why are we sitting?  I’d rather be standing.
—Anyone else for standing?
—Yeah, me.
—Let’s take it to a vote, then.  Standing?  Sitting?  Sitting it is.
—Can we open a window?  It’s stuffy in here.
—All in favour of window-opening?  Oh, that’s it, then.


—Who’s going to open the window?
—I nominate this one here.
—I second!
—I nominate you.
—A vote then.  All for this one opening the window?  All for this one?  Uhm…you didn’t vote.
—I didn’t want the window open.
—Well, I’m sorry, you were out-voted.  Now, come on, we need you to break this tie.
—Aw, fine, you go open the window.
—All right, then, before we get down to business, how about we get a little some thing to eat?
—I’m in the mood for baklava.
—Uh…I’m quite allergic to almonds, actually
—Is that your official anti-baklava stance?
—Uh…yeah, I guess.
—Uhm, all right, then, anyone else opposed to baklava?  No?  Big surprise there.
—Oh, don’t get all upset, just because you lost.
—But…I could die…
—The vote’s done, now, we’re moving on.  Next order of business?
—Well, while we’re waiting for lunch, how about some thing to drink?
—Good idea.  Any suggestions?
—I was thinking coffee.
—Coffee’s good here.
—Coffee it is, then.  How should we take it?
—Milk only.
—Well, I was wanting sugar only, but we now have a 5-way tie, so in the interest of reaching a decision, I’ll go with black.
—Well, then I’m switching to double-double.
—Me too!
—Double-double it is, then.
—Remember the last time we had a 5-way tie?
—I remember no one would give in.  We must’ve been sitting here all day for that one decision.
—Can we get back to business, now?
—I don’t know.  Let’s put it to a vote.  All for Nostalgic Reminiscing?  And for moving on?  All right, then, next order?
—Can we close the window?  My papers are blowing everywhere.
—Window closed?  Sorry it’s 3-2.
—Who’s getting the coffee?
—I nominate myself.
—Any other nominations?  The position is acclaimed.
—Can we have another window-closing vote?  I’m freezing.
—I’m using the coffee mug to keep my papers in place, so you won’t get my vote.
—Look at that!  Coffee is spilling all over the table!
—It’s flowing over onto the floor, too.
—Should we stop it?
—I think we should.
—We still haven’t gotten any thing done, to-day.  I don’t think we can afford the distraction.
—I agree.  Your vote?  Fine.  The coffee stays.
—Can we at least right the mug so no more spills?
—I’d accept that.
—Go ahead.
—Can we get on with the business at hand, now?
—What are you on about?  What’s so important?
—I didn’t realise we were doing Death to-day.
—I sent you a memo…
—Why do we want to do Death?
—What is there to decide?
—Death is an important subject.  We all have to face it someday.
—We do?
—And what of this, ‘death’?
—I think we all need to die, right now.  I think it’s important that we experience this.
—I don’t understand.  Is there an outline or some thing...?
—Here’s the motion: in order to prepare for the day when we will have to face death, we should die right now.
—I can’t say I approve of this...
—This one has a point though, it’ll be good practice.
—But won’t we, you know, die?
—That’s the idea.
—So what will we get out of it?
—Increased profits?
—Possibly.  More, I think, an appreciation.
—I don’t like this.  I don’t wish to die.
—Of course you don’t.  No one WANTS to die, but we’re all going to do it regardless.
—This will increase efficiency.
—Come on, you can’t escape death for ever.  What’s the logic in running?
—Actually, yeah, that’s a convincing argument.
—Especially since no one really knows what Death is like, right?
—What, really?  No one?  C’mon, guys, one of you must know.
—I’m afraid not.
—See what I mean?  We have to find out.
—All right, then, a vote:  All for dying?  1, 2, 3…  All for living?  1, 2.  Dying it is, then.
—I can’t believe this crap!  Forget you guys, I’m leaving!
—We didn’t vote that you could leave!  Hey, come back!
—All for retrieving that one?  All against? Okay then.
—All for making sure no one else leaves?
—All opposed?  3 to 1, then.  Everyone else stays.
—So, who should die first?
—I nominate you.
—I nominate this one.
—Me?  But I voted against dying!
—All for me?  All for this one?  There you go.
—That’s not fair!
—No, fair is something it most definitely is.
—How should this one die?
—Quickly, painlessly.
—I’d go for that.
—We have to save some methods for us.  I think we’d learn more from a hanging.
—Ah, that’s true.
—All for hanging?  All opposed?  You’re out-voted, I’m afraid.
—We need a rope for a hanging, right?
—No one has any rope!
—Yes, actually, I’ve brought some just for this purpose.
—You didn’t go through the official channels on that, but I’m willing to overlook this infraction, unless the majority objects…
—I object!


—Fine, we’ll overlook the under-the-table rope-bringing.
—Anyone know how to tie a noose?
—This one does.
—You do?
—Well, yeah.
—Tie it, then.
—No, I don’t want to.
—I vote you tie a noose.
—I do too.
—Me too.
—There.  Now you HAVE to tie a noose…  Now put it around your neck.
—Wait!  We didn’t vote on who puts it around the neck!
—I thought since this one had it in hand anyway…
—Oh, that makes sense, go ahead, then.
—Stand on a chair, would you?  That’s right.
—Where will we tie this end?
—I vote for the light fixture.
—I don’t know if that will hold…what about the pipe there?
—All in favour of the pipe?  1, 2…and the light?  1, 2…We have a tie, now.
—What will we do?
—Fine, I’ll change my vote to the pipe.
—Thanks, very noble of you.
—Okay, let’s tie it then.
—I vote you tie it.
—So do I.
—Sure thing, but I can’t reach the pipe.
—Stand on the table.
—Ugh!  I’m getting coffee all over my shoes.
—I vote not to stand in the coffee!
—I concur.
—Me too!
—Not me!
—Hey, it really IS breezy on this end of the table.
—All in favour of closing the window?  All opposed?
—A deadlock!
—All right, it’s tied now.  Who’s going to kick the chair out?
—This one’s already there…
—I don’t want to do it…
—I vote you do want to do it.
—Me too!
—You’ve been out-voted.
—I’m calling for a re-count!
—Anyone changing their vote?  See?

(choking sounds)

—Has that one stopped?
—I think so.
—Is that one dead?
—Let’s take a vote.
—That was horrible.  I’d like a re-count on the rest of us dying.
—All in favour?  All opposed?  Wow, a unanimous vote.  That’s pretty rare.
—I demand a window-closing re-count!

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